My morning, play by play

6:20am  I receive a rude awakening in the form of the wrong radio station on my alarm clock.  Note to self: buy a cd alarm clock already, so you can wake up to your favorite music instead of Bengals sports news.

6:25am  My cell phone alarm goes off, reminding me that it's my turn to take Splenda to school.

6:35am  Mr Lemon calls me to remind me it's morning, and I really have to get up and take Splenda to school.

6:45am  Splenda rolls out of bed to go to school.  We are too much alike.

7:25am  Splenda is dropped off at school, and I am on my way to K-Mart to buy a new car seat.  Zesty has outgrown his, and Pinky has outgrown hers.  In the fine tradition of hand me downs, I am buying Zesty a new seat which will transition to a booster seat when he grows three more inches.

7:30am  K-Mart does not open until 8am.  I decide to wait in the parking lot, but something is wrong with the thermostat (again) and the heat does not work while the car is idling.

7:45am  The natives are restless in the backseat, so I drive to McDonald's for a quick drive-thru visit to Auntie Tash Tash and apple dippers and juice for the kids.  To tide them over.  And a frappe.  To tide me over.

8:04am  We are in K-Mart, and the car seat I want that is on display ... is nowhere to be found.  You ask me, why buy carseats at K-Mart? I don't know.  Forevermore, I don't know.  I buy everything else in this household at WalMart, but I go to K-Mart for a carseat.

8:30am  Exiting K-Mart with a different carseat, and I discover that Pinky has wet through her diaper and her pj's.  Oh yeah - I forgot to mention our fine appearance.  I'm barely presentable, the kids are in their pj's.  Pinky has a coat and hat on.  Zesty has a coat and shoes on.  No hat.  It's 40 degrees out.  AWESOME.

So I buckle her soggy bottom into the carseat, wrestle Zesty away from his new carseat and buckle him in his old carseat.

8:35am  Pull into the garage, take Pinky and her now leaking through the carseat into the base soggy bottom into the house.  Take out Zesty's old carseat, bring in the new carseat, and do all applicable diaper changes, and put fresh clothes on the kids.  My skirt is now soaked too.  I'll change in a moment.  I need to breathe first.

8:42am  Carseat frames stripped and covers in the washer.  What in the world is that smell?  Oh, Pinky has a fresh diaper, so she must defile it instantly.  And then I realize she has also leaked through and defiled my carpet.  AWESOME.  A quick bath for her is in sight, but first I think, let's try to do some damage control if she has a virus, and take the bath toys out of the tub.  Zesty decides to "wash the dishes," since the toys are in the sink.

8:50am  Pinky is dried, diapered, and dressed.  Zesty comes in the family room "I peed!"  So pleased with himself.  But it's not pee all over his shirt and pants.  It's water, from his dish washing.  It's also all over the bathroom floor.  My rugs are soaked.

8:55am  Zesty is dried, diapered, and dressed.  At this point, my laundry room looks like K-Mart had a flood, what with the carseat skeletons and the bathmats and the towels I used to mop up the bathroom.

9:00am  "I want sumpin to drink!"   "Use your good words, honey."   "May ... I .... pwease ... sumpin to drink?"  "Sure.  Let me get you some cereal too."

9:15am  Things appear to be slowing down, and I realize I forgot to breathe.  I also realize that I am putting the milk jug lid on the bottle for Pinky, and the bottle nipple and ring on the milk jug.  Good thing I caught that before I shook up the bottle.

9:20am  "Mommy, I want sumpin to drink!"   "ooops, sorry, I forgot.  But you still need to use your good words."  "May ... I ... pwease ... sumpin to drink?"   "Of course.  Will Diet Pepsi be okay? 'Cause that's what I'm drinking."

9:25am  I put Pinky's hair into pigtails while she's strapped into the booster seat and cannot protest much.  Zesty alternately crushes his cereal with the end of the comb, and puts the broken pieces into the ceramic gingerbread house candle stand on the table.  And then pours his Diet Pepsi into his bowl of cereal.

9:26am  Just as I'm about to give up on my dream of civilized children, Zesty runs to get the broom so he can do his "brooming."

And then I decided if I had to suffer through the last three hours, you all should get to read about it.