painting and pooping

Well, we accomplished three of the items on my list from the other day - Mr Lemon rose up early this morning and got to Lowe's to buy my valance before anyone else could get to it.

We also scraped, spackled, sanded, and painted 55% of the hallway before we ran out of Green Tea last night. Which was fortunate that the paint ran out, because we were also running out of minutes before Brad and Catharine came by to eat dinner with us.

Depending on who you are, it is also fortunate that Mr Lemon was home with me today. Because I put that poor man to work.

Here's his honey-do list:

1) mowed the grass (again)
2) tightened something or other on the fence
3) removed, cleaned, and spray painted the return vents in the hallway to a lovely fresh white .
4) replaced three electrical outlets and a few switchplates
5) cleaned up Zesty's stubborn rear end, who refuses to go sit on the potty to do his messier business
6) took Pinky with him to replace Splenda's phone charger

I'd like to pause there - Pinky was so pleased to get to go run errands with Daddy all to herself. She looked like the cat who swallowed the canary when she looked over his shoulder at [screaming] Zesty and [clenched teeth at the screaming] Momma.

I'd also like to back up to #5, so we can have a cohesive post in which the entire content reflects the title.

Zesty is 95% potty trained.  Unnerware full time. He is completely dry and clean overnight for at least 3 weeks now.  Daytime dry unnies with only one wet "didn't make it in time" accident a week for the last three weeks.  Most of his accidents lately have just been him trying to potty but failing in HILARIOUS ways like not aiming "it" down when he's sitting, or losing his balance and dipping his rear in the water.

Yesterday he stood by the toilet in my bathroom and was so happy that he could reach it without having to use a stool (which means he has grown about 3" in height in the last month, which means Old Navy is very happy about that).  He got into position and just as he started to pee, the floor rug started to creep out from under his feet.  In slow motion, he looked down at the floor to realize that he had no free hands to catch himself from falling. He swiftly swerved to avoid catching the toilet with his teeth, and instead smacked the side of his head on the tub.  And still he managed to not pee all over the place. I was so proud.

But that other 5% is going to give me The Crazy.

He is refusing to poop in the potty. Any potty. Any time. I will offer potty breaks, he'll say "No, don't need to go," and then five minutes later report to me that he is dirty.

GRRRR.  Poop in a diaper is nasty enough, but toddler poop in underwear is a special brand of nightmare.

We've done stickers. We've done even cooler stickers.  Mom advised me a long time ago to not spank for potty accidents, but sistah, these are not accidents.  These are on purposes. I have spanked for the poop accidents.  Each time he promises to poop in the potty next time, but next time hasn't happened.  

I've upped the ante to this: every time he poops in the potty, we are going to drop what we're doing and make cookies.  I bought cookie dough to keep in the fridge.  Today he and I sat down and colored while he waited for a deposit.  He had a little tiny turd, so we made six cookies right at that moment.  Well, we did go to the kitchen first :) even though there was plenty of other stuff going on.  I really thought this one on one attention must be the key - but then a little while later there was another mess to clean up.  And then he wound up the night with a lovely case of the DIAWWEA! and I just don't know what to do next.  I have other people to take care of, and I have responsibilities.  

I simply cannot stop my life from turning for three days to sit in the bathroom with Zesty waiting for every little toot.